


Always

by teaseawrites



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, haha i'm emotional
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 12:46:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21410407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaseawrites/pseuds/teaseawrites
Summary: Shepard decides to turn herself in after the destruction of the Aratoht Relay, but parting with Garrus Vakarian is the hardest part.
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian, Female Shepard/Kaidan Alenko (past)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 37





	Always

“No.”

Garrus’ eyes are ablaze with worry, and yet Shepard doesn’t feel guilty. Not about this. A few months ago (in reality, a few  _ years  _ ago) Shepard might not have been able to understand just what that look in his gaze means, but now she knows. With his mandibles fluttering nervously around his face, his posture rigid and his fingers twitching by his side now and again, he is the poster boy for nervous turians everywhere.

She almost says  _ I love you  _ in an attempt to sweeten the mood _ ,  _ almost lets slip what she refused to ruin the moment with the night before the attack on the Collector base, but she can’t. She can’t risk ruining these last moments with him for the sake of getting rid of the pressure she feels deep within her chest. Besides—women who blow up mass relays don’t  _ get  _ to have that kind of relief.

“I have to, Garrus,” Shepard responds, her voice wearier than she expected. “Hackett bought me some time, but that time… it’s run out.”

Slowly, Garrus’ shoulders slump. He stares at Shepard for a few more seconds, the soft background music of her cabin the only sound between them before he lets out a deep, slow breath. Shepard gently pats the end of the bed next to her and Garrus joins her by her side without a thought, but his movements are lagging, like his brain is focusing on something else other than movement.

“I don’t like it,” he says, defeated.

_ Me neither,  _ she thinks, but somehow, saying that doesn’t seem right. What had she thought would happen? That she’d ride around forever in a Cerberus ship without ever facing the consequences? That she and Garrus would live happily ever after, or that she’d finally admit to him just how much he means to her? She should’ve known that as soon as things started looking good they’d be ruined again. The Aratoht relay had been a final mission, the last in her Cerberus voyage, and now, the Alliance is calling.

“I know,” Shepard says, and the words leave a bitter taste in her mouth, “but it’s my only choice.”

_ Is it?  _ she hears a voice ask. It sounds suspiciously like Jack, with her dreams of piracy. She ignores it.  _ Yes,  _ she thinks in response. Working with Cerberus hasn’t stripped away her sense of right and wrong, at least.

“But what about the Reapers, Shepard?” Garrus’ voice is hasty, laced with concern. “Do you really think the Alliance will listen when the time comes?”

“No,” she admits, shaking her head. Gently, perhaps daringly, Shepard’s hand reaches up to stroke the scarred skin of his mandible. “But I know a war between the Alliance and the Batarians isn’t going to help things when the Reapers come. We need to be at full strength.”

Garrus glowers. “ _ You’re  _ the key to full strength.”

At that, Shepard laughs. “Why, Vakarian, you sure know how to charm a woman.”

Garrus sighs, lowering his head to hers. She accepts the gesture with ease, even despite the fluttering feeling that blossoms within her chest that leaves her with a sense of yearning. Moments like these are always bittersweet, stained with the words Shepard can't let herself say.  _ I love you,  _ she thinks, her eyes closing shut.  _ I think it might have always been you, only I was too damn afraid to bring it up all those years ago— _

She knows, at least, that Noveria had been when she realised how  _ magic  _ Garrus Vakarian can be, how soothing. They’d been swarmed by rachni and Shepard’s vital signs must have been peaking on Garrus’ visor, because whatever he said after made her laugh, had made the tension she hadn’t even realised she was holding  _ vanish.  _ He’d been able to comfort her in a way Kaidan was never able to, and in truth, she had longed for Garrus in the way Kaidan could only  _ dream of _ for a very, very long time.

It’s funny how Kaidan had gone into whatever they had at full force, rearing ahead, when to Shepard they’d only been easing tension, the stress that lingered after missions. Garrus? He’d gone into it freely, called it blowing off steam, only it was so much more.

She wishes she could tell him.

Garrus murmurs, “If you disappear for  _ another  _ two years, Shepard…”

Shepard laughs, pulls him closer, and presses her lips to Garrus’ own. It is a silent promise that she’ll return to him as soon as she’s able. His hands find her waist, his touch light and delicate, and for once, Shepard doesn’t mind his tentativeness. She thinks, as she pulls him down onto the bed and basks in the weight of him on top of her, that he knows. Shepard doesn’t need to use her words to show him just how much she cares.

That night isn’t blowing off steam for either of them. They make love, their touches light and juvenile and oh so _ sweet _ , and Shepard feels all the things she should’ve felt as a teenager but never got the chance to. That night, Shepard doesn’t worry about whether Garrus Vakarian feels the same way as she does; for once, she’s content. For once, she doesn’t need to use her words to show him how she feels, and that’s just the way she likes it.

_ I love you, Garrus Vakarian,  _ Shepard thinks, her hand slipping under his fringe. She hears him purr in content, a noise she has grown to love just as much as the physicality of the turian rebel on top of her, and she’s barely able to stop the similar noise that escapes from the confines of her throat as a result.

_ I always have. _

**Author's Note:**

> I was feeling things. You're welcome.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated <3


End file.
